Assertiveness is a critical interpersonal skill that empowers us to express our thoughts, feelings, needs, and rights clearly, directly, and respectfully. It is a style and an approach to communication and self-presentation. Standing up for oneself assertively indicates a higher level of self-confidence and a deep understanding of one's worth. An assertive approach entails clearly articulating your needs while maintaining open lines of communication with the other person.

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Assertiveness as a communication style is a midway point between passivity and aggressiveness. Assertiveness is a middle-ground approach between the two extremes of passivity and aggression. An assertive approach is growth and relationship enhancing. It facilitates effective communication, reinforces taking a personal responsibility approach to life, and fosters healthy relationships.

 "Passivity" involves avoiding expressing one's feelings or needs directly, often at the expense of well-being. Passive individuals may refrain from sharing their opinions, often deferring to the views of others, without advocating for themselves. This behavior can lead to resentment, dissatisfaction, and unmet needs.

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"Aggressiveness," on the other end of the continuum, is where people are so focused on their own needs and rights that they give little thought or concern about the rights of others. Aggressive behavior often involves dominating conversations, disregarding others' feelings or opinions, and using intimidation or manipulation to achieve desired outcomes. While aggressiveness may provide short-term gains, it often damages relationships and fosters resentment.

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We usually differentiate between three communication styles--passive, assertive, and aggressive. "Passive aggression," also frequently noted, is a communication approach where the aggression is covert or hidden. It involves expressing hostility or resentment indirectly. Instead of addressing issues openly and honestly, passive-aggressive individuals may use sarcasm, procrastination, or subtle sabotage to convey their displeasure or frustration, undermining relationships and trust.

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Benefits of Assertiveness:

The benefits of assertiveness are many and robust. A direct and effective method of communicating needs, boundaries, and feelings facilitates mutual understanding and respect. By setting clear boundaries and expressing oneself honestly and respectfully, assertiveness builds trust, strengthens relationships, and minimizes conflicts. Assertiveness is a way of advocating for oneself. Self-advocacy bolsters self-regulation, self-confidence, positive self-image, and empowerment. Assertiveness individuals feel more in control of their lives, lessening stress and anxiety.

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Passive or aggressive people are often unable to express emotions of any kind, negative or positive, without acting them out. A lack of assertiveness skills handicaps a relationship when partners can't tell each other what they want, need, and feel. Without the ability to communicate these things, couples often expect mind-reading of each other and believe they should never "have to" ask for what they want or need.   

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Practicing Assertiveness in Communication, Relationships, and Life:

Learning and practicing assertiveness skills starts with increasing self-awareness. To improve assertiveness skills, engage in self-reflection and examine your communication style. Identify areas where you tend to be assertive, passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. Most people have some areas where they are appropriately assertive --almost automatically, with little thought or effort. There are usually other areas where it feels impossible to take up for yourself. Fortunately, assertiveness is a set of transferable skills. To practice self-advocacy in areas lacking assertiveness, apply the skills you already possess. Although an assertive style may not always be the most appropriate presentation, another impediment is fear -- fear of loss of something, often esteem, power, or control. To transfer your self-advocacy skills, practice identifying your rights, feelings, and needs in a current situation. Look for patterns in how you typically communicate those to others. What style is predominant? Are you assertive, aggressive, or passive? When not being assertive, determine what holds you back. Do the same things hold you back across different areas of your life? Look at your communication style with parents, children, siblings, spouses, coworkers, employers, customers/clients, and the general public. An excellent example of how that can vary across different relationships and situations is someone who does not believe they are assertive in any domain yet can say "no" and hang up without listening to telemarketers' sales pitch. It is an act of assertiveness to say "no" to having your time robbed from you. Most people have some area where they can be assertive and those skills are transferable if you are willing to take a risk.

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How to Improve Your Assertiveness:

How can you stand up for your rights when you don't know what they are? Some of the most common rights that you might find yourself trying to defend are the following: 

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`the right to say "no" to a request.
`the right not to be abused or taken advantage of

`the right to express your feelings
`the right to ask for what you want or need
`the right to change your mind
`the right to be responsible for self rather than others
`the right to be comfortable around others
`the right to be the decision maker on how you spend your time, energy, and other resources
`the right to make mistakes
`the right to your opinions, decisions, and feelings
`the right to request change
`the right to ignore the advice of others

To uphold and advocate for these rights does not involve trampling on the rights of others. Other people have the same rights. Assertiveness does not involve bulldozing someone into your frame of reference, opinion, or agreement to change. You have a right to ask for change. You don't have a right to bludgeon someone into changing. You have a right to decide between your alternatives, which may not always be attractive. You can't make someone else change, but you can choose how much time, energy, and other resources you are willing to invest in a relationship that is not meeting your needs, offending you,  or harming you. You can't make them change, but you can care for yourself.

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Proactive Assertive Communication Behavior:

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To practice assertive communication, know your rights and responsibilities in that situation. Express your thoughts, feelings, and needs using "I" statements (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when…") to convey your perspective without blaming or accusing others. "I" messages help you own your message, feelings, decisions, and thoughts. "I" messages convey your frame of reference. Listen attentively to others' perspectives, validating their feelings and opinions while asserting your own. When reminding others of your rights or boundaries, clearly define and communicate your boundaries assertively, respecting your needs and others'. Be direct and precise. Ask others for feedback on your clarity and their understanding of your message. Let body language reinforce the firmness of your words.
Maintain appropriate eye contact, good posture, and open body language when speaking to them. Speak slowly and calmly, and articulate clearly your message. Be deliberate in replying to others. When asking for what you want or need, keep your requests simple and singular—asking for what you want directly and from a position of strength, without demanding or nagging.
 
Living an Assertive Life:

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Assertiveness in life, in general, assists us in setting goals. You further them by assertively defining your value-driven goals and priorities and taking proactive steps to achieve them. A support group of people who encourage your assertiveness and encourage you to advocate for yourself also enables your goals. By prioritizing self-care, nurturing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, and assertively communicating your needs and boundaries, you optimize the effectiveness of your efforts.  

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In conclusion, assertiveness is a vital skill that empowers individuals to communicate effectively, build healthy relationships, and lead fulfilling lives. By cultivating self-awareness and broadening assertiveness skills in relationships and life, you can enhance self-confidence, foster mutual respect, and achieve your goals while maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships. Assertive behavior in relationships is relationship-enhancing. When you share your feelings, needs, and concerns openly and honestly with your partner, friends, or family, you are fostering mutual understanding and respect. When you use assertiveness to address conflicts calmly and directly, you show that you seek mutually beneficial solutions through open dialogue and compromise. Engaging in assertive behavior allows you to express your authentic self more completely. 

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