A common question among people in early recovery is how to rebuild trust with their loved ones. This question often seems premature when the newly abstinent person is in the earliest phases of change and has not exhibited much behavioral change. They frequently seek acknowledgment and approval from family members regarding their intentions toward recovery. They may desire recognition and validation for their willingness to abstain from drinking and substance use as early as day two or three of sobriety. Individuals in the initial stages of recovery may experience hurt or disappointment due to a lack of desired acknowledgment or praise, often failing to recognize that they've achieved this length of abstinence before, just before reverting to drinking or drug use.

The individual in early recovery often wishes for family members to unquestioningly accept that they have renounced drinking and substance use for good. They may inform their partners or family members of their readiness to attend 12-step meetings, yet various obstacles prevent them from actualizing this commitment. From the perspective of the individual grappling with addiction, the willingness and intention to attend meetings should be sufficient evidence of their commitment to recovery.
Individuals in the transition to recovery from substance use disorder may feel offended when a family member suggests that genuine change is necessary for their loved one to believe in their transformation and that mere words are insufficient. Family members have endured years of promises and declarations of quitting "for good," only to be disappointed repeatedly. These verbal assurances hold little weight without tangible behavioral changes.

Family members are often quick to point out that their substance-using loved one has deceived them regarding their desire to get sober or by making unfulfilled promises to "give it up." It is important to understand that people with substance use disorder usually mean what they say when they promise to quit, attend meetings, or engage in recovery activities. However, addiction itself often interferes with these promises. Cravings or urges arise, and defense mechanisms rationalize drinking or using "just one more time," leading to relapse.

Addiction is an illness that manipulates one's thinking. A psychological struggle between the desire to quit and the compulsion to use plays out in the person's mind as they contend with cravings. Both sides present valid observations and feelings, and the battle persists, with thoughts fluctuating and resolve wavering moment by moment.

The individual in early recovery may struggle to grasp that regaining trust from family members hinges on demonstrating "trustworthiness." Consistent, responsible, and predictable behavior is what constitutes trustworthiness. The individual gradually rebuilds trust by actively making and adhering to recovery goals and commitments, such as attending meetings, abstaining from substance use one day at a time, and securing a sponsor.

Trust typically returns in increments attached to the recovering person's behavior. The most critical ingredient in rebuilding trust is to stay sober. Trustworthiness also increases amidst honesty rather than using deceit to avoid conflict. Other examples of trustworthy behavior include following through with promises, handling feelings and conflicts in a way consistent with sobriety, admitting when they are wrong, and exhibiting dependable behavior. Observing continuing trustworthy behavior over time restores trust.

Extolling how you are changing and making promises alone won't speed up this process; such behavior hinders progress if it doesn't align with recovery behavior. Family members are reassured about their loved one's ongoing abstinence when they observe the emergence of new life skills. A crucial task that involves a steep learning curve is replacing the substances with healthy living skills. Without adequate coping mechanisms, the individual remains susceptible to relapse. Without practical stress management skills, for instance, individuals may resort to drug use to alleviate stress, perpetuating the cycle of addiction. However, when they develop and practice healthy stress management techniques, their behavior changes, signaling progress in recovery to their family members. When important loved ones can observe the recovering person actively engaging in a recovery program, the opportunity to rebuild trust is there.

Note: This article has been revised and edited from its original version, which was previously published on this site in 2009. The content has been updated for contemporary language, clarity and accuracy.