MarriageAndRelationships | Marriage Mastery Insights

Marriage and Relationships

Marriage and Relationship:

Marital Happiness

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Marital happiness is a subjective evaluation of well-being within the relationship or satisfaction with the union. Marital happiness is a significant contributor to life happiness. The perception of having a satisfying marriage fulfills the partner's need for attachment, intimacy, and well-being. While many couples agree that they have a happy marriage, other married partners experience a disparity in the amount of happiness in the relationship. Often, when this couple divorces, the happy partner has no awareness of the level of unhappiness in the other partner. When asked for a divorce, he says," What happened? We were happy."

It is easy to assume that unhappy marriages have no love left and will end in divorce. That is not necessarily the case. Scholarly research and clinical observation indicate that a subgroup of chronically unhappy marriages stays married over a lifetime. An unhappy couple may remain together despite their evident unhappiness because they love each other. When I ask partners who are painting a picture of chronic anger, resentment, emotional escalation, threats of divorce, and other examples of distress, why they have stayed together, the answer is most often that they love each other. Times of negativity and pain in a relationship do not preclude love.

Marital satisfaction and dissatisfaction wax and wane over time. Married partners will feel love and strong negative feelings toward their partners over the lifetime of marriage. Relationships will likely include disappointment and disapproval amidst conflict and failed communication. All relationships experience conflict, especially around partner differences. Couples must acknowledge the conflict and differences, identify and share feelings, and work together to solve problems. To effectively communicate and problem-solve, partners must know when to get on the same page. One partner may be trying to solve a problem on a "logistics level," while the other is trying to talk about how they feel on a "relationship level." Feeling loved, wanted, and important are typical "relationship level" conversations but are often disguised discussions about logistics, such as household responsibilities.

Partners bring their individual emotional and psychological baggage to a relationship. Attachment issues are one of the most perplexing. Communication and problem-solving difficulties within the marriage may be rooted in the partners' problematic attachment needs. Attachment styles, developed early in life, influence relationship behavior and are influenced by troubled marital dynamics. Some attachment styles and unconscious processes can hinder problem-solving and emotional closeness in marriage.

High levels of poorly managed conflict, low emotional closeness/connection, differences in values, and negative feelings about each other and the marriage, often characterize marital distress. Dissatisfied relationships can also be conflict-avoidant and have little sense of closeness or investment.

It is important to note that most couples experience a "rough patch" where they have difficulties accepting personal differences (including annoying partner characteristics), frequent misunderstandings, and problematic communication behavior. It's common for couples to experience conflicts over differences in need for emotional closeness vs. distance and to struggle with problem-solving around those differences. While these issues occur commonly, the level of partner distress differs from typical relationship highs and lows. Many distressed, unhappy couples stay together. They identify that they don't believe in divorce, believe in the sacredness of marital vows, fear being alone, have economic insecurities, and are considering the impact on their children or parents. Most partners who have considered divorce report later on in their marriages that they are glad they did not divorce.

Consider marital happiness and satisfaction across a lifetime trajectory. All marriages are subject to internal and external stressors throughout time. Both partners are charged with learning to affectionately show each other love and attention, manage conflict, and work to build economic and domestic infrastructure for their lives together. The work of marriage sometimes involves defining household roles, rules, and responsibilities across the family life cycle, negotiating for change, and learning to compromise. Within the family life cycle, marital satisfaction starts high and begins to decline until about 10 or 15 years into the marriage, when it begins to increase. Throughout that life cycle, changes such as having children, job and economic challenges and growth, societal changes, and other ever-changing demands of being part of an extended family all challenge partner resources. All of these variables impact marital satisfaction. It is a common complaint that parenting roles and work demands take time and attention away from spousal interactions and investment.

During the later years of marriage, as the children become more independent and ultimately launch, more personal resources can be dedicated to the marriage. This expansion in the investment of time, energy, attention, and other resources can result in renewed couple identity (i.e., sense of "us") and lifestyle changes that allow partners to experience more marital satisfaction.

Married partners want to feel happy and satisfied in their marriage. Although individual partners may have different criteria for what makes for marital satisfaction, scholars and clinicians have long identified some features of healthy relationships. Partners in a happy marriage perceive mutual respect, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They believe that they have the same values and goals. They report effective communication. Healthy marriages also have a "sense of us" and a "sense of self." Healthy marriages allow for individuality and personal growth. Partners can encourage growth in each other, feel free to be themselves, and share who they are--which is intimacy. The relationship brings out the best qualities of each partner. They encourage self-sufficiency and closeness. They reward risk-taking with acceptance. They are supportive without control. They maintain an equal relationship but have worked out delineation of roles and responsibilities. They like each other and themselves.

Distressed couples can recover their marital happiness. Strong negative feelings about a spouse or partner do not necessarily mean no love is left. It is difficult to see the affection still in the relationship when you feel hurt and angry. Continuing to fight as an attempt to communicate or problem-solve may mean that love is present, and they are still investing in the relationship. The desire to love and be loved is ever present, and those moments when you feel heard or loved can refuel hope for the connection. If you are still fighting, you are still investing in the relationship. The opposite of love may not be hate but indifference.

Moving from distress to once again enjoying a happy marriage can seem overwhelming at first, but it is possible with the right attitude and tools. Couples can improve their marital quality and gain happiness by following these steps: a) Recognize that there is a problem and that it is not just your spouse. You can solve problems in your marriage if you avoid blaming and start taking responsibility for your part in the situation and the solution; b) Seek help from people outside the relationship (i.e., counseling.) In-laws, couple friends, and Facebook do not provide objective and dispassionate assistance; c) Learn and practice effective communication behavior; d) Rebuild intimacy and trust by setting aside time and energy for spending time together and taking risks to be vulnerable with each other; e) Identify and share your values and goals. You probably have more in common than you think. Learn to work together to solve problems and make joint decisions; f) Remain committed.

It is possible to transform your marriage into the marriage that you want. Don't wait for the other person to change. It only takes one person to break circular interaction patterns that undermine your marital happiness. With the proper support and new tools, couples can create a thriving and fulfilling marriage that lasts a lifetime.

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