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The ability to engage in a balanced and interdependent relationship usually rests in a person's willingness and commitment to enact a profound shift in their emotional landscape and a redefinition of the self. This transformative process fosters emotional balance and paves the way for cultivating healthy, interdependent relationships.

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Recovery from Unsatisfying, Unbalanced, and Self-defeating Relationships:

Recovery involves a shift from focusing on "loss" to an active conscious process of "creation" of a new sense of self. Creating a balanced and interdependent relationship begins with a change in the lens to start seeing yourself differently. Changing how you interact with the world begins with changing how you approach yourself. With self-acceptance and self-compassion, you can paradigm shift to a happier, more fulfilling life. When you can look at yourself with compassion, you are more able to recognize your strengths, talents, and positive characteristics. That does not mean putting on rose-colored glasses. It does mean having more realistic and balanced views of strengths and challenges. It all begins with self-examination.

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Learning to Focus on Self:

To see yourself as an unworthy, unlovable creature who must cater to the whims of others to be needed is to perpetuate your old approaches and outcomes. To operate out of continual fear of abandonment feeds the worthlessness and low self-esteem that is constantly in search of an identity. Relationships may be the vehicle by which you have been trying to find yourself. Instead of trying harder at the same old behavior to accomplish your relationship goals, let's try something different.

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Rewrite your identity by eliminating the need for others to tell you who you are. It's an inside job. Shift your focus to self to find self. "Who am I?" Engage in mindfulness to learn to focus on self. Be still and pay attention. What do you notice, feel, and think? Just knowing what you perceive, think, and feel is empowering. You didn't have to ask anyone what you think, feel, or perceive. It just came to you. Your thoughts belong to you. You don't need anyone to verify that you are thinking correctly. Trust your perceptions and that your feelings are valid. Focus on yourself by using your senses.

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Do more self-investigation and identify what you like and don't like. What clothes styles, hairdos, foods, music, literature, television, websites, garden flowers, types of entertainment, types of physical exercise — the list is endless. What do you like and not like?

 

Practicing Self Care:

When you have discovered what you like, identify some things from your list to incorporate into your life as a part of self-care. Self-care is a broad term that has to do with taking care of yourself. It involves the basics of appropriate nutrition, daily exercise, time for yourself, adequate rest and sleep, grooming routines, keeping regular medical checkups, taking medication as prescribed, getting outside, and other things you do for yourself that are loving care taking of self.   

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Appropriately practicing self-care sometimes involves resisting being overloaded and overwhelmed by others and their "needs." Believe it or not, it is ok to put yourself first sometimes. Following that advice may even involve shifting from unbalanced, self-defeating identity and relationship behavior to healthy, interdependent, balanced relationships. Or from illness to health. But, it is not all or none. One mistake people make in changing outdated behavior that is not working for them is moving from one extreme to another. Don't do that. It takes too long to get balanced that way.

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Establishing a Healthy Relationship with Oneself:

You know what you think, feel, perceive. You're accepting those without judgment. You are taking steps to learn and practice relentless self-care. Other self-work is a deeper exploration of your relationship with yourself. Who are you as an independent, autonomous person? What are your resources? Do you have a quick, sharp mind? Do you have a penchant for creative problem-solving? Do you have the ability to remain calm in the face of calamity? There are all kinds of resources that you probably have and may need to think more about. Devote a little time to identify and have gratitude for your resources. They may involve education, creative pursuits, physical fitness, spirituality, and participation in support groups. These self-resources fuel building a resilient and balanced sense of self.

 

Achieving Emotional Balance:

Emotional balance is achieved by shifting the emotional landscape, creating equilibrium by recovering the autonomous self. To do that, take responsibility for all that is self — feelings, thoughts, perceptions, talents, challenges, hopes, etc. Maintaining a self-growth mindset, including self-examination, accumulating self-resources, and seeing mistakes as part of learning, is crucial for this shift. When you feel uncomfortable, be responsible for this feeling and treat it as problem-solving. Learn and practice emotional self-regulation. Don't waste your time and energy blaming others for your feelings or trying to get them to fix it. That is investing somewhere else. Invest in yourself by taking responsibility for your feelings and deciding what to do with them. It is empowering to know and understand that others do not have control over our emotions. You are free from engaging in counterproductive processes that attempt to solve the problem of your feeling by making someone else validate it and then trying to get them to take whatever action you deem appropriate to take away the pain. It still won't work. By taking responsibility for your feelings, you let go of external pressures and regain emotional balance through your efforts. Your self-regulation helps create balance.

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Maintaining Balance Amid External Demands:

While caring for yourself, the other important people in your life may still be operating from old practices. They may try to engage you in letting go of your self-responsibility to take responsibility for their comfort or needs. You may need to harness all your new knowledge and skills to resist being diverted, overwhelmed, co-opted, or roped into old, other-oriented caretaking, people-pleasing behavior. These may include setting boundaries, stepping up self-care, practicing assertiveness, seeking support from the support system that "gets" what you are trying to accomplish, setting aside specific time for focused self-reflection, and practicing mindful emotional self-regulation. These behaviors empower individuals to maintain balance, autonomy, and emotional well-being in the face of external demands.

 

Building Healthy, Balanced Relationships:

 

As it has always been, communication is the cornerstone of establishing healthy, authentic relationships. Feeling confident about who you are and willing to take a risk by sharing who you are with others is the core of intimacy. Building healthy relationships comes from a clear sense of self and commitment to relentless self-care practices, assisted by not allowing yourself to get lost in the relationship. Building balanced, interdependent relationships involves establishing boundaries, regulating emotions, fostering authenticity and vulnerability, promoting the development of mutual support, and cultivating interdependence. These qualities empower individuals to engage authentically and contribute to developing fulfilling connections.

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Additional Factors for Healthy Identity and Relationships:

Other relationship skills necessary in the development of healthy relationships involve not just open, honest communication but basic problem-solving skills, the ability to empathize, be respectful of the other person's responsibility for taking care of themselves and their ability to do so (including making mistakes), the ability to balance self-care and time alone with investing time and energy in the relationship. Healthy, balanced relationships involve respecting the other person's responsibility to care for themselves, their ability to do so, and everyone's willingness to collaboratively solve problems. By emphasizing these aspects, people can evolve toward balanced and interdependent relationships, maintaining autonomy while supporting and collaborating with their partners.

 

The journey from unsatisfying and self-defeating relationships to interdependence is a self-growth process encompassing self-discovery, self-care, and cultivating positive attitudes and behaviors. By actively engaging in this transformative journey, individuals can achieve emotional balance within themselves and build and sustain healthy, interdependent relationships.

 

 

Building Empowered and Balanced Relationships Articles

 

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
 

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Table of Contents

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The Importance of Letting Go of Responsibility For Others' Feelings and How to Accomplish It

 

Yes, Virginia, There Is Such A Thing As a Healthy Family

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The Art of Connection: Building Balanced and Lasting Relationships

 

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