top of page
Screenshot 2024-01-19 at 6.46.06 PM.png

Divorce

Reasons For Divorce

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

The reasons that people give for getting divorced are varied but commonly reoccur.  Family researchers and scholars, attorneys, marriage/family therapists, demographers, and political agenda proponents have compiled many reasons for divorce.  Much of the research spans decades with consistent correlations.  Some of the most frequently cited reasons listed include the following:

 

Substance use
Infidelity
Spouse's unresponsiveness to needs
Tired of trying to make it work
Spouse's emotional immaturity
Spouse's control issues
Spouse's mental health problems
Physical Violence
Emotional Violence
Mistreatment of the Children
Lack of communication
Chronic conflict and fighting
Loss of trust
Changes in behavior, interests, values
Lack of commitment to the marriage
Sexual Problems
Money conflicts
Loss of closeness
The decline in marital happiness

Although these items keep finding their way to the top of the lists in decades of research results, the commonly confirmed motivations and regenerated lists are just beginning to convey the complexity of motivation for divorce.  Research has gotten more sophisticated and comprehensive over time.  Researchers and scholars have further broken down subject-reported reasons for divorce to identify "whys" for divorce within the developmental stages of marriage.  Differences in motivation for divorce also vary according to socioeconomic levels and gender.

Couples divorcing after being married for decades tend to see the contribution of their experiences across those developmental stages.  The challenges of raising children, becoming bored in the marriage, and growing apart with different interests and attitudes are all seen as contributing factors to the erosion of marital happiness.  

Couples who married at a young age or had been married for a brief period thought that adjustment problems like "settling down" or conflicts over structural issues such as intergenerational relationships played a role in divorce.  Other individual and relationship issues that correlated with brief or young marriages were related to intimacy and the marital bond.  Sexual problems and infidelity were frequently cited as motivations for divorce.  

Socioeconomic status as a variable has been investigated since the beginning of this research.  It predicts that couples with lower socioeconomic will be at higher risk for divorce.  Partners from marriages with higher socioeconomic status were more likely to identify relationship-related reasons, such as lack of love, incompatibility, lack of communication, gender role conflicts, and partner characteristics, such as demanding/controlling or self-centered behavior.  Couples with lower resources tended to identify financial problems, not settling down, physical abuse, and drinking as major divorce factors.

Gender has consistently been a factor in self-reported motivation for divorce.  Women are more likely to cite a higher number of reasons for divorce.  They identified emotional issues such as emotional abuse, physical abuse, spouse pornography use, and alcohol/drug abuse as motivation.  Men are more likely to cite external factors like marrying too young, work, and in-law relationships as a reason for divorce.  Women tend to be more attuned to the emotional health of the relationship and are more likely to be unhappy in the marriage.  They are more likely to want a divorce and to file for divorce.  Regardless of their reasons for disbanding, women are more able to divorce because they have more options, experience less prejudice as a "divorced person," and have strong role models for surviving and thriving post-divorce.  Conversely, men tend to have a more robust incentive to stay, despite not being happy in their marriage.  Husbands are more likely to be blindsided by the "I want a divorce" declaration and to indicate that they don't know why they divorced.

The reasons that partners give up and get divorced tend to be complicated, involve more than one issue, and often involve relationship stages, gender, and socioeconomic factors.  Women tend to be more unhappy in marriage and initiate divorce.   Women are more able to leave unhappy marriages than ever before.  It is essential to understand that married partners often give very different reasons for divorce, reinforcing the observation of "my marriage and your marriage.".  One partner can be unaware or indifferent to the unhappiness of the other partner and not know that the marriage is in danger.  Both partners can be unhappy in a marriage for very different reasons.

Note: This article has been revised and edited from its original version, which was previously published in 2012 on this site.  The content has been updated for contemporary language, clarity and accuracy.

.

Screenshot 2024-04-01 at 3.06.38 PM.png

Falling Out of Love;

Should We Get a Divorce?

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Often, when a couple seeks counseling, one partner expresses that they have fallen out of love, prompting doubts about their past feelings. Typically, the couple has other unacknowledged marital issues, such as feeling overwhelmed, lacking time or energy for the relationship, and harboring general apathy. Signs of disconnection include one partner yearning for affection elsewhere while the other assumes all is well due to the absence of complaints. They may have ceased arguing and discussing problems, preferring to handle things solo and quietly resenting each other's habits. As the relationship deteriorates, couples may resist efforts to mend it, resisting vulnerability.


However, couples can reignite their love by reinvesting time and energy into it, communicating openly, and engaging in shared activities. By recognizing and understanding that love can ebb and flow over time, couples can navigate this stage by seeking help and deliberately rebuilding their connection.


Over time, neglect often leads to the erosion of the romantic connection, causing couples to drift apart and handle issues independently. This unilateral problem-solving approach leaves both partners feeling unheard and neglected. Fortunately, the solution lies in acknowledging this pattern and actively reinvesting in the relationship.


People naturally evolve, and so do relationships. Taking risks by sharing your authentic self with your spouse is essential and reminiscent of the early days of deep conversation and shared interests. Simple gestures like going on dates, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and staying connected throughout the day can help rekindle the bond.
Moreover, understanding that marriages undergo developmental stages, including periods of falling in and out of love, can provide reassurance during challenging times. Instead of making hasty decisions, seeking professional help to navigate this phase can pave the way for restoring love and strengthening the relationship.


While falling out of love may seem daunting, it presents an opportunity for growth and renewal. By committing to communication, sharing experiences, and seeking support when needed, couples can rediscover the love that initially brought them together and build a stronger foundation for the future.
Note: This article has been edited from its original 2010 version for clarity, accuracy, or other reasons.

Screenshot 2024-04-01 at 4.00.10 PM.png

Divorce Recovery.
Knowing What to Expect
May Ease Your Pain
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Divorce is an excruciating process, fraught with a myriad of emotions that individuals often struggle to comprehend and process. The high levels of stress and the onslaught of conflicting feelings pose a significant challenge to survival and coping. Identity becomes distorted as individuals attempt to navigate through their emotions, and self-esteem may suffer, requiring time for recovery. Feelings of isolation, shame, guilt, grief, and overwhelm are common during this tumultuous period. During this emotional turmoil, individuals often face the expectation of providing stability and support to their children and sometimes other family members, which amplifies the pressure they already feel. Non-custodial parents may fear losing access to their children and may engage in counterproductive conflicts over custody.

The stress of divorce can manifest in various emotional and physical symptoms, including headaches, backaches, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and memory problems.
Understanding that the range of emotions experienced is a normal reaction to divorce can help individuals maneuver through the stress, confusing thoughts, and painful feelings.

Numerous resources are available to help individuals successfully adjust to divorce and reclaim happiness. Marriage and family therapists specializing in divorce recovery, divorce recovery support groups offered by churches, and self-help books are valuable resources. Among these resources, "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fischer stands out as a classic self-help manual for divorce recovery.

When individuals have the tools to identify and accept their feelings, distinguish between adaptive and maladaptive responses, and give themselves permission to grieve the loss of the real and fantasy relationship, they can more easily and more effectively move on with their lives. Healthy detachment is a part of moving on, but it may take assistance in working through the painful emotions that stand in the way of that detachment. Insight into what happened in the relationship helps with coping with the dissolution. You can restore your healthy sense of self, a positive self-image, and confidence by addressing complicated feelings and personal truths. 

Note: This article has been edited from its original 2010 version for clarity, accuracy, or other reasons.

More Divorce Articles

by Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

To access these articles, click on the article title to open a PDF. You may save or print them. When sharing, please remember to provide proper attribution to both the author and this website. Editing or republishing is not allowed.



Table of Contents
 

Avoiding Collateral Damage: Avoid Inappropriate Co-Parenting to Protect The Children During Divorce

 

Before You Divorce - Read This!

Emerging from the Darkness:

Coping and Surviving a Divorce

 

Can Your Marriage Be Saved? The “I Don’t Want A Divorce” Inventory

But I Don't Want A Divorce! What To Do Right Now To Keep Your Spouse From Leaving You and To Build A Better Life Together.

Parenting for the Children During and After Separation or Divorce

 

What Happens to Children In Early Divorce
 

Developmental stages of Marriage: Marriage and Divorce at Different Stages

 

 Note: To download Adobe Acrobat Reader for free, click here

Your paragraph text(6).png
bottom of page