The reasons that people give for getting divorced are varied but commonly reoccur.  Family researchers and scholars, attorneys, marriage/family therapists, demographers, and political agenda proponents have compiled many reasons for divorce.  Much of the research spans decades with consistent correlations.  Some of the most frequently cited reasons listed include the following:

Substance use
Infidelity
Spouse's unresponsiveness to needs
Tired of trying to make it work
Spouse's emotional immaturity
Spouse's control issues
Spouse's mental health problems
Physical Violence
Emotional Violence
Mistreatment of the Children
Lack of communication
Chronic conflict and fighting
Loss of trust
Changes in behavior, interests, values
Lack of commitment to the marriage
Sexual Problems
Money conflicts
Loss of closeness
The decline in marital happiness

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Although these items keep finding their way to the top of the lists in decades of research results, the commonly confirmed motivations and regenerated lists are just beginning to convey the complexity of motivation for divorce.  Research has gotten more sophisticated and comprehensive over time.  Researchers and scholars have further broken down subject-reported reasons for divorce to identify "whys" for divorce within the developmental stages of marriage.  Differences in motivation for divorce also vary according to socioeconomic levels and gender.

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Couples divorcing after being married for decades tend to see the contribution of their experiences across those developmental stages.  The challenges of raising children, becoming bored in the marriage, and growing apart with different interests and attitudes are all seen as contributing factors to the erosion of marital happiness.  

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Couples who married at a young age or had been married for a brief period thought that adjustment problems like "settling down" or conflicts over structural issues such as intergenerational relationships played a role in divorce.  Other individual and relationship issues that correlated with brief or young marriages were related to intimacy and the marital bond.  Sexual problems and infidelity were frequently cited as motivations for divorce.  

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Socioeconomic status as a variable has been investigated since the beginning of this research.  It predicts that couples with lower socioeconomic will be at higher risk for divorce.  Partners from marriages with higher socioeconomic status were more likely to identify relationship-related reasons, such as lack of love, incompatibility, lack of communication, gender role conflicts, and partner characteristics, such as demanding/controlling or self-centered behavior.  Couples with lower resources tended to identify financial problems, not settling down, physical abuse, and drinking as major divorce factors.

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Gender has consistently been a factor in self-reported motivation for divorce.  Women are more likely to cite a higher number of reasons for divorce.  They identified emotional issues such as emotional abuse, physical abuse, spouse pornography use, and alcohol/drug abuse as motivation.  Men are more likely to cite external factors like marrying too young, work, and in-law relationships as a reason for divorce.  Women tend to be more attuned to the emotional health of the relationship and are more likely to be unhappy in the marriage.  They are more likely to want a divorce and to file for divorce.  Regardless of their reasons for disbanding, women are more able to divorce because they have more options, experience less prejudice as a "divorced person," and have strong role models for surviving and thriving post-divorce.  Conversely, men tend to have a more robust incentive to stay, despite not being happy in their marriage.  Husbands are more likely to be blindsided by the "I want a divorce" declaration and to indicate that they don't know why they divorced.

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The reasons that partners give up and get divorced tend to be complicated, involve more than one issue, and often involve relationship stages, gender, and socioeconomic factors.  Women tend to be more unhappy in marriage and initiate divorce.   Women are more able to leave unhappy marriages than ever before.  It is essential to understand that married partners often give very different reasons for divorce, reinforcing the observation of "my marriage and your marriage.".  One partner can be unaware or indifferent to the unhappiness of the other partner and not know that the marriage is in danger.  Both partners can be unhappy in a marriage for very different reasons.

Note: This article has been revised and edited from its original version, which was previously published in 2012 on this site.  The content has been updated for contemporary language, clarity and accuracy.

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