Many couples fall into a dysfunctional pattern of escalating conflicts and withdrawing as they try to address problems and issues in their lives. Every unsuccessful attempt to resolve a problem sets the stage for future discussions. Unresolved issues often persist for years, becoming self-perpetuating.

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A typical scenario involves a couple trying to discuss a relationship issue or problem. As the partners start talking, emotions rise, and soon, they're engaged in a heated argument, resorting to hurtful tactics. Eventually, one storms off while the other feels abandoned and angry. When they try to discuss another conflict later on, even a minor one, the unresolved issue resurfaces, and they pick up where they left off. It's like pausing with a comma in the conversation only to resume the same argument later. Nothing gets resolved.

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Fortunately, it is possible to resolve these issues by creating an emotionally safe environment for both parties. Since you can't force your partner to change, your best bet is to focus on your communication behavior.

A safe environment ensures that emotions remain manageable. It's impossible to solve problems when adrenaline and the need to be understood overshadow your listening ability. Defenses kick in, and neither party hears the other. In effective problem-solving, individuals use a give-and-take approach, where everyone feels safe expressing their perceptions and feelings, knowing that others listen to them. While replacing old communication patterns may take time and practice, it's achievable by using techniques such as "I" messages instead of "You" messages, employing a basic problem-solving model, and de-escalating the discussion when necessary. (See Fair Fight Tactics: A Brief Lesson.) 

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Many couples have seen each other through "angry-colored glasses" for so long that it takes several attempts to resolve even the most straightforward conflicts using fair-fight tactics. With the help of de-escalation techniques, however, success is eventually attainable. Below are some de-escalation techniques that many couples find helpful:

1. Focus on one problem at a time.

2. Return to the identified problem.

3. Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.

4. Remind yourself of the conversation's goal: Do you want to solve a problem? Assess if your communication behavior supports this goal; if not, regroup and change tactics.

5. Seek to understand your spouse's perspective rather than solely explaining your own.

6. Accept that disagreements on details are normal; agreeing on every aspect to solve a problem is not essential.

7. Monitor your physiological responses; relax your body and take deep breaths.

8. Practice reflective listening to ensure you've understood your spouse's message.

9. Control your responses regardless of your spouse's actions; refrain from saying it if it doesn't contribute to problem-solving.

10. Use humor appropriately to de-escalate; avoid using it as a dirty fight tactic or distraction from conflicts.

11. Take a time-out with an agreed-upon return time; ensure you follow through to resume problem-solving.

12. Couples can navigate conflicts more effectively and create lasting resolutions by employing these techniques. 

Note: This article has been revised and edited from its original version, which was previously published on this site in 2010.  The Content has been updated for contemporary language, clarity, and accuracy.